For every Twee list there must be an Anti-Twee list, it’s as old as the Bible or at least the Rock Snob’s Dictionary. Or maybe not? Are the Anti-Twees among us simply too obvious to even point out and honor/dishonor? I mean, what more can you say about Donald Trump? “He’s not very twee?” Well, if you did, Mr. Trump would immediately counter by insisting that he is the classiest and most charistmastic twee person who ever lived. By the way, Mr. Trump was quite nice when I interviewed him for Maxim (this very sentence might be the least twee thing that I have ever written). Tucker Max? He’s built a literary career on Anti-Tweeness and is not going to care if I call him an ass. The Nuge? He makes his own meat snacks, which is sort of like crafting, but his Anti-Tweeness is also extremely self evident. I thought about going abstract or odd. Freddie Blassie
or Yosemite Sam but nixed it. There are some I left off the list out of respect (Johnny Ramone), but if you are on this list it’s not because I think you are BAD people per se, just twee-deficient in my small opinion. Okay, here we go.
Why He Is Anti Twee: I’ve never eaten in his super-joint in Times Square and I actually felt a little bad for him when the Times ripped it so mercilessly. I’ve never watched one of his loud road shows on television unless I was surfing. It’s just when I imagine food in his stomach, I think of that food screaming (is that a Bourdain rip? Bourdain is not twee either but he is talented). Also, when I look at his face, I wonder if this is why the punk rock wars were fought: so a large man with a goatee can bleach and spike his hair and prosper and not get punched in the lips. See, I told you, objectivity is hard. But the main reason he is Anti-Twee, I think is that he’s s a bit shouty… a bit too willing to shill. There are things, I’m sure that Guy Fieri won’t sell but let’s not even imagine what they might be.
Is There Anything Twee About Him At All?: Er… he has the same name as the guitarist in Fugazi.
Why He Is Anti Twee: Again, this is not easy. I like Dane Cook. I don’t think he was very funny but he’s certainly open with his feelings (if you heard him on WTF)
He’s also aware of his image (if you saw him on Louie). For all we know Lenny Bruce, Belushi, Bill Hicks or Mitch Hedberg could have been so much more Anti-Twee than Dane Cook, but they’re dead and therefore eternally twee since, as I explain in my soon-to-publish book, there’s really no Twee hero like a deceased Twee hero. So let’s go with this: there was an offer made for him to star in a motion picture called Good Luck Chuck and he accepted that offer.
Is There Anything Twee About Him At All?: He built his audience on the web like indie rock bands do, eventually collecting enough (multi-millions) to go on arena tours. Also, supposedly he’s a theater geek.
Why He is Anti Twee: This is a bit trickier because the bands that he has fronted from the Misfits to Samhain to Danzig do belong, at least some of them anyway, in a good, complete-ist Twee record collection.
I used to have the sticker for this single on my guitar even though I couldn’t play it. Not just the song (which is probably easy to play) but the guitar.
It’s not Danzig’s music (especially not the Misfits) that impeaches him here but more his demeanor: the glare, the jet black hair, the inverted Laughing Cow cheese wedge physique. Plus he looks like he might just put you in some kind of stranglehold if you called him “Twee,” and even though he’s pushing 60 that would probably fuck you up. So respect, but…
Is there Anything Twee About Him At All: No, but at 5’ 4” he is certainly wee.
Why He Is Anti Twee: I wonder if Michael Bay ever saw The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dinemsion as a kid. I mean I wonder if he was a real sci fi film geek or if he’s just into some kind of cinematic gigantic-ism. I am not anti-blowing shit up. Some of my favorite films (Die Hard, orig., Con Air) blow shit up nicely. I even love the shot of the hero walking away from the conflagration in slow motion, unscathed but for a little soot. It gets me. I just don’t think it gets Bay. I’m not convinced of his wit. I don’t know that he’s not a cynic. So many Transformer sequels and rebooted franchises: Amityville Horror, Texas Chainsaw, Nightmare on Elm Street, Ninja Turtles, it’s enough to make Armageddon look like a heartfelt piece of personal filmmaking, like Tiny Furniture or something. But if you really want to see the difference between Twee (Super Twee) and Anti-Twee watch Bay’s Fios commercial back to back with Wes Anderson’s now classic Amex ad:
Is There Anything Twee About Him At All: No, no there is not.
* If you have your own suggestions and additions to the Anti Twee list or perhaps a nomination for Anti Twee Superstar, feel free to share them in the comments section here or via @marcspitz on Twitter.